Full disclaimer: this read will be totally useless for the vast majority of you lords that are fully operational, because ya’ll be far too advanced for this prep-talk. So feel free to take your love-interest behind the bike sheds and skive off for the day. Enjoy. And think of me!
However, if you happen to be reading this while emptying your bowels and in the market for some light reading, or if you happen to tumble into my world because you’re in the process of converting your home into a rentable pad, then this could be useful.
Don’t be a cowboy landlord like my dip-shit friend
Sadly, it was Kevin, my haphazard friend – who evidently doesn’t know his ass from his elbow – that prompted me to share this remarkable tale of tragic negligence.
But it’s not all doom and gloom, because the buffoon’s antics has provided me with inspiration and blogging material, both of which I’ve recently been in short supply of. Not to mention the fact that his sublime stupidity is a great showcase for learning. We win!
So, yes, thanks for being a useless cock-face, Kevin! You’re the best dumb-ass friend a dried-up blogger could ever wish for.
Due to personal circumstances, Kevin vacated his residential flat so he could launch it onto the letting market, but he did so with a metaphorical “FUCK YOU!” sign attached around his pecker – he pretty much swerved every step required to make the process legitimate/sensible.
In some ways I admired his “screw the world. And your momma” attitude. I wish I was the type of woman that could feel at ease resting a cup-of-anything on a table without a coaster, instead of being a anxious and hyperventilating pussy all the time.
I’m not exaggerating when I say Kevin bypassed *almost* every step in my “Do the following before renting out your home” checklist…
What you should do before renting out your home…
1) Check your lease
In Kevin’s case, he is the leaseholder of his flat.
Some leases don’t permit sub-letting, which means letting is not permitted.
Did he check his lease? HA!
2) Notify mortgage lender
Since Kevin didn’t bother notifying his mortgage lender of the change in circumstances, the assumption is that he’s still on a residential mortgage, as opposed to a buy-to-let mortgage.
Breach of terms, check!
3) Update building insurance policy so it’s appropriate for landlords
If he hasn’t contacted his lender, you can bet your nutsacks on the fact he didn’t update his insurance policy.
Almost all mortgage lenders require the appropriate insurance policy to be in place, otherwise…
Breach of terms, check!
4) Check if you need a license
Some local authorities require landlords to comply with the selective licensing scheme, which requires landlords to acquire a license before they’re able to let their property.
Of course, Kevin didn’t even bother checking. In fact, he didn’t even realise “landlord licensing” was a thing.
Fortunately, his local authority doesn’t require landlords to obtain one (I retrospectively checked). However, that’s not the point.
5) Ensure minimum Energy Efficiency rating is achieved
Since October 2015, landlords in England are required to show prospective tenants a valid Energy Performance Certificate (EPC). Moreover, since April 2018, landlords have been required to achieve a minimum rating of E.
I may as well be talking in Mandarin, because Kevin has no idea what I’m talking about right now.
6) Check if your property is gas safe
Every rental property should ideally always be ‘gas safe’, but it certainly should be before new tenants move in, hence the legal requirement of a landlord gas safe check.
When Kevin, the numpty, was quizzed about the gas safety check, his response was, “I checked, the boiler works fine”
Oh, right. Well, that’s just brilliant!
7) Declaring rental income
Obviously – and I use the word “obviously” extremely hesitantly – rental income is subject to taxation, and can also influence any Government funded benefits, so it should always be declared.
I probably need to be careful with how I phrase this point, because I’m not sure how these things work. Maybe you do…
Hypothetically, if I know someone that is potentially partaking in fraudulent activity, do I automatically become an accomplice if I don’t report it to the correct authorities? Or do I just become perceptible to being labelled a “treasonous cockroach”? If it’s only the latter, that’s cool. I can live with that.
Ok, so let’s just say that Kevin is in receivership of disability allowance on legitimate grounds, but let’s also say Kevin is hypothetically convinced that he doesn’t need to declare his newly found source of income because he’s currently not making any net-profit from it.
Well, that would just be plain stupid, and probably fraudulent. Fucking moron, hypothetically speaking.
8) Comply with Smoke and Carbon Monoxide alarm Regulation
Credit where credit due. Kevin didn’t actually trip over this hurdle. Nice one, Kev!
However, I suspect this win was due to shear fluke, as opposed to intent, because most people have fire alarms in their homes.
In any case, I’m going to cover the Smoke and Carbon Monoxide alarm Regulation for the sake of making this a more complete checklist.
While I’m absolutely sure Kevin didn’t have any inclination of what his fire safety responsibilities are, he is legally required to have at least one smoke alarm installed on every storey of his rental property which is used as living accommodation, and have a carbon monoxide alarm in any room used as living accommodation where solid fuel appliances are contained.
What a spectacular display of the upmost disregard for being a sensible landlord (minus the fluke ‘smoke alarm’ win), right?
Clearly, he just woke up one day, brushed the crust out of eyes, and said to himself, “I’m going to be a landlord”, without much more thought about it. Literally.
Sadly, the industry is full of ’em.
From the mindset of an impartial bystander, I hope they all get what they deserve.
If it wasn’t for my friendship with Kevin (which I’m now compelled to say was formed by circumstance, not by choice), I’d probably piss myself laughing until I sober up and remember that he’s the reason landlords are assholes. So instead, I’ll just piss myself laughing until I sober up and remember that he’s the reason landlords are assholes.
Please note, the above failures don’t account for all the landlord legal obligations, they just cover what all
good normal landlords – at least, those in England – should check before renting out their residential home.
Have you got a friend? If so, tell me why they’re a 24-carat tosser!
Love & peace xoxo
Disclaimer: I’m just a simple landlord blogger, I am not qualified to give legal or financial advice. Any advice I give is my opinion based on my experience, and is never legal or professional advice. You should always get professional advice on any legal and financial matters!